Chorevia

Day 128 of 280 · 18 weeks + 2 days

To find out or not

Last reviewed · 3 min read · 7 sources · Plain-text version

The scan can often tell you the sex. Today you and your partner decide whether you want to know, and who else gets told.

Size this week
about the size of a bell pepper
Length this week
around 14.2 cm from head to bottom
A couple sitting on the front steps of a house at dusk, she in a loose sweater with a small bump, both laughing mid-conversation, warm porch light behind them.

Eighteen weeks and two days. Somebody at the scan may ask "do you want to know?" and you'll have a few seconds to answer. Today you take longer than that.

Your baby

A single red bell pepper on a plain white ceramic plate, soft daylight.

Here's a quiet fact: your baby has been moving for about two months, even though you may not have noticed yet (NHS). All those arms-and-legs wriggles have been happening in a space still big enough to absorb them (NHS). At around 14.2cm head to bottom, that's changing (NHS).

Your body

The anomaly ultrasound, typically between 18 and 20 weeks, is when the baby's sex can often be found (NICHD). "Often" is the honest word. Later ultrasounds can assess the baby's age, growth, position, and sometimes sex (MedlinePlus); a baby with legs crossed or back turned keeps the secret, whatever you decided.

So the decision is really two decisions: whether you want to be told if it's visible, and what you'll do with it once you know.

Try today

  1. The find-out-or-not talk

    Time: 15 minutes, no phones

    1. Each of you says your first instinct out loud before any discussion: know, or wait.

    2. If you differ, say why. One of you wants to plan; the other wants the moment. Both are reasons, not arguments.

    3. Decide what you'll say at the scan. "Yes, tell us," "No, please don't," or "write it down and seal it."

    4. If you find out, decide who else gets told, and when. Parents? Siblings? Nobody until the birth?

    5. Agree that whatever the scan shows, the two of you hear it the same way, at the same time.

    Make it work:

    If you can't agree, the sealed envelope buys you time; the clinic doesn't need your answer until the day.

Watch for

  • Normal

    feeling warmer than everyone else in the room; "feeling hot" is on the NHS's list of common symptoms this trimester (NHS).

    Call your provider

    for a fever of 100.4°F (38°C) or higher; it's on the CDC's urgent list (CDC).

  • Normal

    peeing more often.

    Call your provider right away

    for pain when urinating, or for fever or chills; both are on MedlinePlus's second-trimester call list (MedlinePlus).

  • Normal

    mild, passing cramps as the womb grows.

    Call your provider right away

    for moderate to severe cramping or low abdominal pain (MedlinePlus).

For you

Neither answer is the right one. Finding out doesn't make you a planner who can't handle surprise; waiting doesn't make you sentimental. The sources in this series have nothing to say on it, which tells you how much it matters medically: not at all.

What the NHS does say is that about 1 in 5 women feel stressed or anxious during pregnancy (NHS). If the scan is what's sitting on your chest, that's worth naming to your partner tonight, in the same conversation. The sex question is the easy one.

If you're the partner: if she wants to know and you don't, or the reverse, this is a good first practice at a decision where nobody is wrong and somebody has to give. There will be more.

Sources

This guide is general education that summarizes published research and guidance from groups like the American Academy of Pediatrics, the CDC, and the WHO. It isn’t medical advice, and every child develops on their own timeline. Your pediatrician knows your child; if something feels wrong, call them. In an emergency, call 911.

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