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Day 102 of 280 · 14 weeks + 4 days

The strain on the two of you

Last reviewed · 3 min read · 7 sources · Plain-text version

Fourteen weeks and four days. Pregnancy worries can strain a relationship. Today, each of you names one thing that's harder and one that's better.

Size this week
about the size of a kiwi fruit
Length this week
around 8.5 cm from head to bottom
A Latina woman and her partner sitting on the back step of a small house at golden hour, shoulders touching, two mugs between them, phones face down on the step.

Fourteen weeks and four days. Today's note is for both of you, and it's about the thing nobody puts in the announcement: being pregnant together is sometimes hard on being together.

Your baby

A whole brown kiwi fruit on a plain white ceramic plate, soft daylight.

Around 8.5cm long from head to bottom, about the size of a kiwi fruit (NHS). The head is becoming rounder and more in proportion with the body (NHS); the oversized-head look of the early scans is giving way to something more like a baby.

Your body

The NHS says it in one line on this week's page: relationships can strain under pregnancy worries (NHS). It's listed with the symptoms, not the advice, which is the right place for it.

It also matters for your health. The AAP's list of risk factors for depression and anxiety in pregnancy includes relationship or financial problems and little support (AAP). Anxiety during and after pregnancy is as common as depression, and both can be treated if you seek help (AAP). Mood swings are still on the NHS's list of earlier symptoms that may carry on (NHS), so some of the friction is hormonal weather, not a verdict on the two of you.

Try today

  1. The strain conversation

    Time: 20 minutes, phones in another room

    1. Each of you names one thing that's been harder since the test. Say it plainly; no fixing yet.

    2. Each of you names one thing that's better.

    3. Pick one of the harder things and ask: what would make it ten percent easier this week? Not solved. Easier.

    4. Write both lists down and date them. You'll want to read them in a month.

    5. Agree when you'll do this again. Two weeks is a good interval.

    Make it work:

    If one of you can't find a "better" today, that's information, not failure. Write "nothing yet" and keep the date.

Watch for

  • Normal

    mood swings, which the NHS lists among the earlier symptoms that may continue (NHS).

    Call your provider

    as soon as possible if you think you have depression; it is common and can be treated (CDC).

  • Normal

    worrying about the two of you; the NHS says relationships can strain under pregnancy worries (NHS).

    Call your provider

    for scary, upsetting thoughts that don't go away, or extreme sadness or anger; the AAP says these are long lasting and won't go away on their own (AAP).

  • Normal

    an argument that is really about sleep.

    Call 911

    in a crisis, or call or text 988, or the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA; and don't leave another person alone if they are in crisis (CDC). Thoughts about harming yourself or your baby are on the CDC's urgent list (CDC).

For you

To both of you: this isn't only about getting through the pregnancy. The AAP's page on preparing a family for a new baby ends with the line that children whose parents have a strong, loving relationship tend to adjust better, and tells you to make time for your partner (AAP). Twenty minutes on the back step counts as that time.

If the strain has a name, like money or the in-laws or who does what at home, MedlinePlus's list for stress in pregnancy is unglamorous: talk with a partner or friend, keep your prenatal care, eat well, stay active, sleep enough, and raise persistent stress with your provider (MedlinePlus).

If you're the partner: you are allowed to find this hard. Saying so in step 1 is not taking anything from her.

Sources

This guide is general education that summarizes published research and guidance from groups like the American Academy of Pediatrics, the CDC, and the WHO. It isn’t medical advice, and every child develops on their own timeline. Your pediatrician knows your child; if something feels wrong, call them. In an emergency, call 911.

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