Chorevia

Day 84 of 120 · Week 12

Both of you

Last reviewed · 3 min read · 14 sources · Plain-text version

Partners get postpartum depression too, and scary thoughts are common in new mothers. What's typical, what means help today, and one song you both sing.

Two mothers on a couch at dusk with a lamp on, one holding their twelve-week-old upright against her shoulder, the other leaning in to sing, all three faces close.

Today's note is for whoever isn't the mother as much as it is for her. Read it together if you can.

Heart

Partners count. A meta-analysis of 43 studies found depression in about 10% of fathers around a birth, rising to about 26% at 3 to 6 months after birth (Paulson & Bazemore, 2010); a larger, later one of 74 studies found about 8% and no effect of timing (Cameron et al., 2016). Either way, it's common. Depression in one parent was moderately linked to depression in the other (Paulson & Bazemore, 2010), so check on each other, out loud, today.

Head

Scary thoughts are common too. In a study of 100 new mothers, all reported unwanted thoughts of their baby being accidentally harmed, and nearly half had unwanted thoughts of harming the baby on purpose, more often with high stress and little support. The study found little link between these thoughts and aggressive parenting (Fairbrother & Woody, 2008). A thought that horrifies you is not a plan. If such thoughts feel like urges, or you're afraid you might act on them, get help today. Seeing or hearing things that aren't there, or feeling confused or out of touch with reality, can signal postpartum psychosis, an emergency: call 911 (NIMH).

Body

Treatment works, for either of you. Postpartum depression usually doesn't improve without treatment but does respond to therapy, medication, or both; zuranolone is the first FDA-approved pill specifically for it (NIMH). Your pediatrician should ask how you're doing at the 4-month visit (Earls et al., 2019), and the partner can answer too. Help now: call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), or call or text 988 (CDC).

Try today

  1. One mother sways by the window singing to the baby held upright against her chest while the other, across the room folding laundry, sings the same song back.

    Both parents, one song

    Time: One song, a few times today · Parenting techniques in the guide

    1. Pick one song you can both stand, and agree on it out loud.

    2. Each of you sings it to the baby at least once today: at a change, a cuddle, the start of the wind-down.

    3. Hold them with the head supported and sway in rhythm; keep movement smooth and gentle, and never shake a baby (AAP).

    4. Keep the same song all week, so it becomes a cue from either of you.

    Make it work:

    Singing is on the AAP's list of ways to soothe a crying baby (AAP); one non-randomized study of about 170 mothers linked singing lullabies to stronger bonding at 3 months (Persico et al., 2017). Whether a shared song does more hasn't been studied.

Watch for

  • Normal

    a hard evening, even now.

    Put your baby on their back in the crib and leave the room for 10 to 15 minutes

    if you feel yourself losing control, and call someone (AAP); call your pediatrician now if you're afraid someone might hurt or shake your baby (AAP).

  • Normal

    night waking; a good sleeper at this age is one who wakes but can get back to sleep (AAP).

    Call 911

    if your baby can't be woken up (AAP).

  • Normal

    a baby who calms when sung to, rocked, or walked (AAP).

    Call your pediatrician right away

    if your baby cries when touched or moved (AAP).

For you

The two mothers on the back step after dark with mugs, shoulders touching, the kitchen lit behind them, no baby in frame.

For the mother: thoughts about harming yourself or your baby are on the CDC's list of urgent maternal warning signs, and the answer is to seek care immediately (CDC). Sadness that has lasted more than two weeks means go to the doctor, not wait (OWH). Nothing you tell them will surprise them.

If you're the partner: this day is yours as much as hers. The question is "How are you, really?", asked of you, by her, tonight. Answer it with more than one word. Anyone can call or text 988 (NIMH); the line doesn't check who gave birth.

Sources

This guide is general education that summarizes published research and guidance from groups like the American Academy of Pediatrics, the CDC, and the WHO. It isn’t medical advice, and every child develops on their own timeline. Your pediatrician knows your child; if something feels wrong, call them. In an emergency, call 911.

Get each day’s note the morning it applies

Add your baby to a free Chorevia household with their date of birth, and every morning for 120 days the day’s note arrives in the app and by email: what’s developing, one thing to try, what to watch for, and a word for you.

Create your household